A Gentle Reminder…A Gentle Reminder… https://txtandcontxt.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/Hannah-Blog-Pic-833x1024.jpeg 833 1024 Hannah Hicks https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/a13e1a0f581efbf33852237bcaf87901?s=96&d=mm&r=g
I want to share my pregnancy story with you.
Andrew and I decided in 2019 that we were going to go ahead and try for a baby. I wanted a baby so bad. I truly felt that God was calling me to be a mother.
I convinced myself that it was definitely going to happen pretty quick. After all friends, family, and the media made it look so easy. I saw friends announcing on Facebook that they were expecting. I heard of acquaintances getting pregnant without really meaning to. I mean.. why wouldn’t I get pregnant overnight?
I was working at Starbucks at the time and Andrew and I were living in Memphis, TN. I remember going to work a few times feeling nauseas. “Surely this is it.” I would get so excited and voice to my manager (who was a friend, I’ll add) that I had a feeling I was pregnant. He thought so too at times. Who knows why I was nauseas on those days? Maybe it was because I didn’t eat enough those mornings. I can at least tell you what it wasn’t..
Fast forward to April of 2020. Andrew and I moved to SC right at the beginning of the COVID pandemic. We got settled into our rental home and we decided it would be okay for me to stay at home. With what? Well, our dogs. But surely we would have a baby soon! I guess I convinced myself that it was a good idea to stay at home in preparation for a little bundle of joy.
I got some chickens and stayed at home with them too.
We decided that it was a good idea to buy a house. We planned to be in SC for a while and thought it would benefit us more to pay $1,000/month to own a home instead of rent one. We closed and moved into our new home in December of 2020. Still no baby in sight. We purchased a home on 2.5 acres because I had big dreams… and I wanted to give the chickens more room too.
My chicken collection grew to about 50. My cat collection grew to 5. I started a rabbit collection and grew it to about 20+. It was all fun and games at the time, but it is not fun and games when I look back on this time of my life. I was depressed and trying to fill a very empty part of my soul.
I guess you could say for each negative pregnancy test I got, I got a chicken instead. Sounds funny, I know.
Here comes 2021. I was starting to think that I was infertile. I mean, what the heck was happening? Why was I not getting pregnant? I went to an ObGyn for an exam. He found a cyst on my ovary. Not a big deal. I mentioned to the doctor that I was struggling to get pregnant. My periods were also very weird. They have been since high school if I am 100% honest. Hmmm…
“Do you notice hairs on your chin?” “Omg, yes!” Let’s put it all together: overweight, depressed, hairy chin, irregular periods, ovarian cysts, and (oh, I see) infertility. “It sounds to me like you have PCOS.” What is that? Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Interesting. The doctor reassured me that I could still get pregnant. It might just take a little longer than others and require a little work. He suggested I start tracking my ovulation. Sounded easy enough.
Yeah, I probably stuck to it for a couple of weeks. I got tired of seeing all of the negatives.
May 6th, 2021. It was a Thursday. I took a pregnancy test because I felt a little off. It was positive. I could not believe my eyes. Finally, a positive! I think I might have taken two more. All positive. A friend of mine suggested that I go and have a blood test done just to be sure. So, that is what I did! Andrew was out of town at the time. I was figuring out a cute way to tell him. He came home that Saturday and I also got my blood test results back. Positive. I don’t remember if the test said or if I just guessed, but I was at least 4 weeks into the pregnancy. It was so early.
I started bleeding that day. I sat down with Andrew and told him the news and showed him the blood results, but I was not hopeful. The bleeding was starting to get heavier and I knew it was abnormal. He and my friends told me to take a deep breath and relax. Bleeding happens sometimes. I wanted to believe them. The bleeding got heavier overnight.
Do you know what May 9th, 2021 was? Mother’s Day. What a cosmic joke. I woke up that morning and told Andrew that I thought I needed to go to the hospital. I was having a miscarriage. We went to the hospital and they told me what I already knew. I honestly, probably shouldn’t have gone. Lots of women have miscarriages at 4 weeks and they don’t even know it. It really wasn’t a big deal… but it sure was to me. There I was stuck with a hospital bill and another negative pregnancy test. That was the first glimmer of hope I had and it was gone in a matter of days.
The nurse told me, “No matter what, do not blame yourself.” Yeah, okay.
I could go into detail of how much I cried. I grieved. I got even more depressed. I swiped the credit cards more.
Yeah, I probably bought more chickens.
August 2021 rolls around and my period starts on the 7th. I got my hair dreaded on the 23rd. (Side note- I have had dreadlocks for many special life changing occasions. It’s almost mysterious.) My therapist tells me that I should focus on my mental health and consider taking a break from trying to get pregnant. I also need to tell Andrew about our credit card balances. Crap. Hard talks ahead.
I scheduled an appointment to see my ObGyn on the 31st. I went and talked to him about getting back on birth control. I decided on the pill and he said he would send the prescription to my pharmacy. He never sent the prescription.
Well, okay. I kinda felt off anyway. I realized it had been a while since my last period (I usually had 2 a month). Odd.
September 3rd, 2021. I started a job working as a receptionist at a local vet hospital. I just needed something to do besides sit around waiting to be a stay at home mom. My sister was getting married the next week on the 11th. I marked on my calendar that I was supposed to start my period on the 7th. The 7th came and went… with no period. I gave it a couple more days before taking a pregnancy test. Maybe my period would come just a couple days late. Nope. I took a test on the very day we left for Arkansas to take part in my sister’s wedding. It was positive. I am sure I took a couple more. I did not want to get my hopes up though. There was a part of me that expected to start bleeding again.
September 11th, 2021- my sister’s wedding day. I took another test. It was still positive. I happened to look back in my photos on my phone before writing this and I found this photo from that very day.
I took a test the next day. Believe it or not- still pregnant.
I called my ObGyn and scheduled a 7 week appointment. They did an ultrasound and I couldn’t believe my eyes. There really was a baby in there.
You might notice that I was actually 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. This baby has made it to 8 weeks. I was so excited yet very scared. I was so afraid of losing this baby. I thought it had to be too good to be true. The first one didn’t make it, so what would I do if this one didn’t make it?
Well, here I sit looking back at these pictures and the things I have written down on my phone’s 2021 calendar with a baby boy napping just in the next room. He made it. I made it. And my life has never been as good as it is now.
People often say, “God’s timing is perfect.” I did not want to hear that in the thick of my grief. I wanted God’s timing to be my timing.
Looking back now, I totally believe that statement. Andrew lost his job in SC just a couple months later. We accepted a job in Texas and moved during the midst of my second trimester (the easiest trimester). I gave birth to a Texan…. just like me. 🙂
God’s timing is beautiful. Just when I was about to give up on my dream of being a mother, it’s like God was saying, “Hey. You are not wrong in feeling called to be a mother. I just need you to trust me.”
I believe that I was trying to take something that could only be given as a gift. And a gift it sure is.
Here is my gentle reminder to you all that are trying to get pregnant: that stick does not define your worth.
I will say it again. Please listen to me. Please listen to someone whose worth was defined by a plastic stick.
That stick does not define your worth.
I have to give credit where credit is due. The featured photo is a sticker that I purchased from Mom After God’s Own Heart. I have purchased quite a few stickers from this momma. Check her out!