I have been wandering and growing lately. I think it is for my good when all is said and done, but it is painful in the process. God is not afraid of the process of growing. Today I heard my wife speaking about our son eating Oatmeal and spreading it all over our table: “I love my son too much to not let him get messy.” I felt God saying to me in my spirit: yeah! I love my son too much to not let him get messy too!
Man. The messiness of growth and development and exploration is bothersome to an enneagram 1 like me. But it doesn’t bother God. In fact, I am coming to think it is a gift from him. Here’s some prayers I keep coming back to that have helped me in this time of wandering and messiness. Sometimes all we have to offer God is the journey itself and trust that he is leading us in the wandering.
Thomas Merton Prayer
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
It Would Be Easier for Me to Pray If I Were Clear
by Ted Louder from Guerrillas of Grace
O Eternal One,
It would be easier for me to pray
if I were clear
and of a single mind and a pure heart;
if I could be done hiding from myself
and from you, even in my prayers.
But, I am who I am,
mixture of motives and excuses,
blur of memories,
quiver of hopes,
knot of fear,
tangle of confusion,
and restless with love,
I wander somewhere between
gratitude and grievance,
wonder and routine,
high resolve and undone dreams,
generous impulses and unpaid bills.
Come, find me, Lord.
Be with me exactly as I am.
Help me find me, Lord.
Help me accept what I am,
so I can begin to be yours.
Make of me something small enough to snuggle,
young enough to question,
simple enough to giggle,
old enough to forget,
foolish enough to act for peace;
skeptical enough to doubt
the sufficiency of anything but you,
and attentive enough to listen
as you call me out of the tomb of my timidity
into the chancy glory of my possibilities
and the power of your presence.